Surrender

Down and Out

By |2024-03-19T14:27:17-07:00Mar. 19, 2024|

Just as nobody warned me how my easy life would turn upside down with the birth of a child, I apparently didn’t get the memo that it could be almost unbearable to grow old. The big difference is that with a child things got better, much better—lovely really...

What does self-love look like anyway?

By |2024-02-08T22:07:11-08:00Feb. 13, 2023|

A few posts ago, I reported that, when asked by my helpful coach Amanda about a future worth getting well for, I couldn’t picture a life without my beloved Trond. That realization shocked us both, but it didn’t mean I wanted to die; it meant I wasn’t yet ready to live again. Why get well when I couldn’t imagine what a meaningful life would look like?…

Who knew?

By |2024-02-08T22:10:45-08:00Jan. 25, 2023|

Who knew it would ever be a struggle to get two arms into a simple fleece? Or get up from a chair or pull up my pants? Hard to cut a piece of chicken or hold a cup of coffee? Or safely take a walk? And what about reading the tiny words in the many magazines I’ve had to cancel? Who knew? The Suzanne of even two years ago didn’t know. She hadn’t a clue. She can hardly believe it now. The good news is some of my problems might be correctable, if you don’t mind a little uncertain surgery.…

My Burning Question

By |2024-02-08T22:12:36-08:00Dec. 10, 2022|

The other day, as I lay resting, which is pretty much all I am able to do other than eat and sleep, up from the bowels of my being came a powerful question. It’s such a big question, so critical to my future, that I am not quite sure if I dare to ask it…here, out loud. What, dear God, if the answer is no? But here we go…

On This Strangest Resurrection Morning

By |2024-02-09T10:41:52-08:00Apr. 17, 2020|

As I lay safely in bed Easter morning, this is the short Covid prayer/lament that came to me: As I look forward (so to speak) to the long gray hair that will add 10 years to my appearance, I work to feel as blessed as I absolutely am by my white, upper middle class privilege, in the midst of what for many is the nightmare of ten lifetimes.…

Uh Oh, It’s Christmas!

By |2024-02-09T11:00:19-08:00Dec. 19, 2019|

Eleven years ago the life coach I then was offered these words of would-be wisdom for dealing with the mother of all holidays. Have at my words and please share yours via comments.

I woke up the other 2008 late fall morning with that odd mix of anxiety and anticipation I’ve come to expect at this time of year. How can I do it all? Do I even want to? Why can’t it just be over? But strangely, those pesky questions arise alongside a mysterious, barely-contained joy…

Fighting The River is No Way to Live, Suzanne!

By |2024-02-09T10:59:52-08:00Jul. 24, 2017|

“Stop swimming, stop fighting.” These words rang loud and clear in the ears of my beloved teacher, Swami Kripalvanand, as he was swept away by the monsoon-swollen river Yamuna in India more than a half century ago. These same words, which came to him in the voice of his beloved teacher Dadaji, have lately come to me, if only from the old, familiar voice in my head.

“Stop swimming, stop fighting.” This simple admonition, which may have saved Bapuji’s life because he listened and let the water carry him safely to shore, might also save mine.…

A Death in the Family

By |2024-02-09T11:03:32-08:00Feb. 21, 2017|

If you lose your partner, the common wisdom is you don’t make any other major changes for three years. Not unless you want to go way off the stress test charts, and maybe expire yourself. No, don’t worry, I have not lost my beloved husband Trond, who is alive and well and splitting firewood or something of the sort outdoors even on this winter day. And thank God for him!

Trond and I are alive all right, but there is a pall hanging over us, which you too must be feeling.…

Activists for Love

By |2024-02-09T11:12:48-08:00Jan. 31, 2017|

Words crowd my head like gulls to bread on the beach. But having been silent for so long, I wonder if I can speak again. And after all that has happened—to me and to the world as we knew it (or thought we did)—I wonder if I can say anything to add value to the great wave of voices already being unleashed by the divisive election of one Donald J. Trump as President of our United States. Only time and the courage to sit here and write will tell. Here we go!…

Start Where You Are and Follow Your Heartbreak

By |2024-02-09T11:23:08-08:00Jan. 19, 2016|

A fresh year. A clean slate. Two rousing reminders—Start where you are and, still more arrestingly, Follow your Heartbreak. With that, I may have emerged from the fertile, if often disquieting void and set one foot on an encouraging new path of service. We shall see.

Start where you are? Follow your heartbreak? Why did those particular calls to action, one simple, one pretty darned strange, get my full attention the other day, resonating deep into my soul like nothing else lately has. And why should they perhaps resonate deep into yours? To answer, I will back up.

“Start where you are” and “Follow your heartbreak” were phrases given to me during a recent group phone conversation called The Gathering, offered by The True Purpose Institute. Start where you are is the title of a book by the Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron, with whom I am familiar. The plea to follow your heartbreak originated, I think, with Andrew Harvey, a spiritual teacher whose long ago book Hidden Journey had a transformative effect on my spiritual growth. But I heeded the call of those resonant phrases only last Wednesday, from a man I’d never heard of…

Ours is a breadcrumb journey

By |2024-02-09T13:26:57-08:00Feb. 5, 2013|

Two different worlds we live in. That’s the 1950s tune my head and heart have been singing to each other in a growing rift that’s been tearing me apart. So I’ve made the hard decision to start letting the heady world go and see where my heart might lead. It’s scaring the shit out of me.

Am I avoiding something I should stick with to “succeed,” my head keeps wondering? Or am I veering back into territory where I really belong? I’m still not sure if it’s a siren or wake-up call I’m heeding here and I have no idea yet where I’m headed next.…

Breaking up is hard to do, Part III: A soul-wrestling finale

By |2024-02-09T13:36:52-08:00Nov. 28, 2012|

I woke up much too early this morning to find myself grieving two related losses: the long-ago, lingering connection with my former spiritual home and, with it, the death of a dream I’ve apparently harbored—that I might some day, somehow, feel I could be actively part of it again.

In my last post, I asked what Bapuji would do if he’d been completely ignored as I was. I decided he’d have dealt with it by letting go and letting God. I suggested he’d have expeditiously and gracefully returned himself to the more essential, less worldly business of self-realization.…

Breaking up is hard to do, Part II: What would Bapuji do?

By |2024-02-09T13:46:37-08:00Nov. 6, 2012|

What would Bapuji do indeed? That question is the chorus for this “Breaking up” blog saga of mine. Last time, I shared how a virtual cold shoulder by my once beloved spiritual home left me saddened and confused, about my relationship with Kripalu and my life purpose as a whole.

My dilemma seems small now, even to me, in light of the suffering unleashed by the Super Storm, not to mention the exigencies of the election. And before that, your comments were balm for my wounds. Still, I am moved to continue my strange saga, eager as I am to get to the bottom of it…

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