Holy Moly, me-oh-my-oh! I am doing my little happy dance all by myself. My long-awaited B Day is here. (No, I don’t mean my birthday, though it feels like it and then some.) This B is for my bare-naked book. Bare Naked at the Reality Dance, the book I’ve dreamed of and labored over for seven years is now in my hot little hands and up for order on Amazon. And last night, this website, so gorgeously designed by Shannon Bodie who also designed the book, went live for all the world to see. I can hardly stand it I’m so excited and, also, friggin’ frightened to death.
Yes, I am over the moon—jumping up, and up, like the cow with the spoon. And at the very same time, I am crouched under the back porch, hiding out like a scaredy-cat, afraid for my life (which is to say my self-image). And for those of you who know your yoga poses, or know me, that metaphorical cat-cow position is a familiar one for this yogini to find herself in. I’ll explain.
It’s heart vs. head all over again. I am the cow over moon because my heart is absolutely thrilled that the daunting work of writing, editing, packaging and publishing this book I’ve known for almost ever was mine to do, is done, and to my satisfaction. It feels right—and right now, finally exhilarating—to have arrived at this exact heart, mind and soul nourishing place. I want to savor the precious moment, which Shannon and I will do at our typical early morning call time, but tomorrow via Skype, and with the atypical help of mimosas, her brilliant idea.
But—and it’s a big one—I am also terrified (or think I am) because my ego-mind has few clues how this unconventional book of mine will land. Of course I want people to like it, and me. And so far only one of several people who’ve read the book seemed not to. A few kindly raved. But those enthusiastic early readers were not my brothers or sisters-in-law or the people my kids are married to. Back when the writing started, I knew I couldn’t publish it till my mother was dead. It wasn’t so much because I said questionable things about her; it was because I figured the feral spiritual voice that began coming through my pen in 2004 would knock her white socks off, challenging our already complicated relationship. I was afraid to let her know me that well.
Lest you think I am overreacting, my dear husband of several decades was shocked by my wild new voice, its radical ruminations and the overt spirituality that had shown up and taken over when I finally sat myself down to see what I had to say. In truth, I myself was taken aback by the words I had written, once they were typed up by my friend Carol Keller. What the hell’s going on here? My mind wondered. Where did this Suzanne come from? I still don’t know for sure, other than to say I imagine the universal heart, and a man called Bapuji, must have played a part.
I do know that whenever we surrender enough of our stuff to show up as we really are, it’s a very thing good. Whether we give up willingly or whether we’re kicking and screaming, surrender is good for us and it’s good for a world that can’t wait for our light. So here I am, kids, in all my glory glory. Take me or leave me. But if there’s any way I can inspire you to dare to unleash your most outrageous self and let ‘er rip, I want to hear about it. And won’t that just be reward enough for all my fear? Yes it will. Thanks for the comments I hope you’ll want to leave.
Categories: A Writer's Life, Inspiration