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Awakener and Scribe (not Bookseller!) am I

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Awakener and Scribe (not Bookseller!) am I
For Sale sign for Bare Naked at the Reality Dance

©iStockphoto.com/source photo Rachwal81

I’ve been at another crossroads in the life of the newly published author and, for a long moment,  it was a very yucky, sucky place to be. I stood, unsettled and uncertain, somewhere between a too-pregnant Mama’s urge to push like hell—to deliver success—and an opposing urge to give my baby up to God, to let life have me, the pursuit of success be damned. It’s all about my book, of course, and then again it really isn’t.

 

As usual, the sticky problem de jour was about a fatter, juicier matter—namely, whether I will trust myself and, so, the universe (which I sometimes call God) to take care of me. And right now my doubts about whether God and I are trustworthy look like this: Can I, with the book, practice the surrender I preach in the book. Can I let go of the reins (or maybe rains would be more apt) and bring to fruition the nuts and seeds I’m planting in my own strange, squirrely way? Or, if it comes to this, am I willing to let the seeds I planted die un-watered in the ground?

 

Trond and I had one of our big talks the other day and, as often, our big talk saved the day. I love those big talks of ours, over morning tea by the fire. We usually don’t plan them. The best ones happen when one or the other of us is particularly unsettled, upset and uncertain about something that matters too much to us. Recently, because of the book, it’s my stuff that gets us diving deep.

 

Trond had called me out a few days earlier to say he was very worried about me. He saw me getting way too worked up about the myriad technical details of redesigning this blog. He was so concerned he dragged me away from my computer into the blazing sun out front and lay me on the chaise. He hung a big NO ENTRY sign on the door of my office and kept an eye on me. He was right. It was obvious, as I lay there overwrought and limp, that the pursuit of success as I’d been defining it didn’t agree with me. I was making myself a wreck trying to make it happen.

 

I was still a mess the morning we had the talk. I hadn’t heard back from two special people I was particularly eager to give my book to and worried they wouldn’t want it. And I was frustrated about hard-to-solve blog glitches. Also, for weeks I hadn’t dared look at my book’s Amazon “ranking” or the “stats” about how many people were (or weren’t) visiting this beautiful site Shannon and I have labored over long and hard. I was feeling as stuck as I ever had in my driven pursuit to sell the book without selling my soul. And no wonder. Was I ever on the wrong track!

 

Trond doesn’t know it yet but he is one of the wisest people on earth. Ever so gently he began to tell me, for the umpteenth time in our decades together, who I really am and what I am meant to do. He started by saying gently,” it is not your job to sell the book.” Duh! is what I see now. Then, though, my initial reaction was more like, Huh? If I don’t sell it, who the hell will?

 

But even as my head went automatically there, and before Trond went on to explain, I felt in my heart how absolutely right he was. Four key words on this website describe to a tee who I am and why I am here (on earth and writing right now). These words don’t say anything about selling or promoting, or, for that matter, writing books for the benefit of others. The words are:

Sister Seeker…Awakener…Scribe

 That is who I am. My job is to hold others’ hands, to light hearts with my heart, and to record for all of us the shared journey and universal wisdom that arises when we pay attention to the promptings of our hungry souls. Trond kindly reminded me that all I need to do is keep showing up—on the page like this, and in real life, when it feels as right as it did the night when I read from my book and led a simple meditation at Vicki Fox’s Women of Intention. No forcing. No selling. No nothing but being myself, in service to others being themselves. It’s pretty simple.

 

Those are my words, culled from Trond’s words, which I drank in like divine nectar. While I easily can, and probably will, forget them, they struck a chord I’ve already returned to several times since our last big talk. Should I lose my way again, Trond is blessedly here to remind me.

 

Categories: A Writer's Life, Surrender
  • Dagmar

    Hi Suzanne   I’m going to try this again- just know you are not alone-we are all at the jumping off place-untethering ourselves from what feels safe and familier-learning to let go and let it be-let God- I only feel sane and good when I disconnect from 3D and tune in to the spiritual self-letting go of the need to control or understand anything. Your book is out there, it is and that is all it needs to be.  Blessed Be   Dagmar

    • Suzanne Grenager

      You are an inspiration and blessing to me, dear Dagmar! I especially needed to hear *right now* that I am not alone and that putting my book out there is what ”it is and that is all it need to be.” The experience of nursing this book through the fledgling stage is sometimes almost more than I can bear. As you so wisely suggest, in order to remain sane and feel good, I must let go of the need to control whether or not ”Bare Naked” will fly. Your support is helping with that. I send love and thanks.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kantaconnie Kanta Connie Bousquet

    I’m STILL trying to find uninterrupted time to read your book which sits in my studio, teasing me when I glance over to it. Life has been exceedingly busy and health issues on top of this keep me from doing all that my busy mind wishes to complete. But I am looking forward to a couple of weeks from now when life should become less frenetic.

    I like the little bit I did read and am anxious to return to your book.Like drawing clients to one’s therapy practice, those who need to connect with your book will. Life is funny that way.

    Jai,
    Kanta

    • Suzanne Grenager

      Kanta, dear sister of yore: Like Dagmar’s right before you, your words are so finely attuned to what I need to hear right now it’s as if you were in my heart. I can’t believe that precisely at this moment, when I am in the dumps about less than stellar book sale numbers unearthed this morning, you would show up and say “those who need to connect with (my) book will. Life is funny that way.” And life is funny *this* way, too. Thank you for providing exactly the support I need at this time. I send love and thanks to you — and again to Dagmar — for your steadfast support. 

  • Alex

    :) i love you suzanne even though i dont know you so.  the you that you completely are.  grateful to hear of the ways that you grow a it inspires me to keep learning to do the same.

    • Suzanne Grenager

      I want nothing more than to inspire wonderful people like you. You may know me better than you think, as we are not so different, you and I. I am truly grateful for your comment and the heartfelt support I know it represents. Good luck and love to you, dear one!

  • Kimberly

    Yes!  The people whom you wrote for will find your book! It is so beautiful, even a “sleeper” awakens those who find it. Keep being sweet to yourself.

    • Suzanne Grenager

      Thank you, dear Kimberly. I deeply appreciate your words of support at this time. Being sweet to *myself* is exactly what I need to be doing. Not always easy to do, as you know, especially when we need it most. Sending love and light your way always.

  • HeatherH

    You are so lucky to have such a wonderful relationship with a partner who understands you and has studied you long enough to figure out how to help you when you are down.  I know you do the same for him.  Loving, powerful, human relationships complete us. 

    • Suzanne Grenager

      Thank you, dear Heather, for your thoughtful acknowledgment of the blessing of a relationship where one can feel totally seen and loved exactly for who we are. I am indeed one lucky woman to have somehow chosen this amazing man to marry more than 40 years ago (and I did ask him!). But I have no doubt now that I am good for him, too. We’ve both worked hard to learn to care deeply for each other, and I appreciate your recognizing my part in it! May your relationships be loving and powerful, too, as you deserve nothing less.

  • donna

    What an amazing realization! Thank you for continuing to blog, I love being part of the ongoing discussion and love that you so brilliantly express the parts of you that are both threats and opportunities. Lucky you, for Trond is there to hold the space for you to step back and grow from this experience. Maybe the blog is as needed as the book!

    • Suzanne Grenager

      Thank you, dear Donna! I am honored you have joined the conversation and are contributing to it so meaningfully. Your wise words about the blog being “as needed as the book” really struck me. I assume you mean the blog is needed by me. And you are right. I am attempting to write for this blog the way I wrote in the journal that became the book. In other words, I use the writing to help me better understand myself and live my life, letting the words help unravel and illuminate the “threats as well as the opporuntities,” as you clearly described it. I am SO glad the words serve you too. New post up soon so please consider subscribing if you haven’t already. Many thanks for your support!

  • Donna Rock

    Loving your blog and your wisdom and your struggles – as you bravely allow us a view into your true basic nature and humanity.  It resonates in all of us because ultimately you are us and we are you.  :)   That Trond is one wise fellow – and yet I’ll bet there are times that you see things in him that he does not see himself.  …  it’s all the same in the end. (This may not be grammatically correct but it is soulfully correct.  :) )

    • Suzanne Grenager

      Hi, dear Donna!

      Your grammar seems near perfect to me (and I once taught English grammar – to a bunch of eleventh graders in India!) I really appreciate your saying I am brave. I do feel pretty brave sometimes, revealing all my imperfections as I seem wont to do. But that is my gift, I think, to be as honest as I can be about the struggles and the wisdom we are all privvy to. And I dare do it because, as you eloquently remind us, we we all one in the spirit. So when I write from the deepest, truest place in me, how can it *not* resonate with that universal place in you? Still, it is VERY heartening to me to hear that the blog words are touching you! Thank you for letting me know and please stay tuned.

  • Donna Rock

    Many times we’ve read about
    artists of the past who were not successful in their lifetime, only to
    become considered great masters after they were gone. What may seem
    like a very long time to us in these days of ‘instant’ everything, may actually be only a
    blip in the grander scale. Your beautiful sharing may need time to
    root and permeate and organically reach the souls who resonate with its
    messages. Be patient, dear friend, and trust the universe to support
    you in your brave sharing of your soul.

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